out of the mouth of babes

September 23, 2006

my 5 year old has got a great imagination and says whatever is on her mind.. with that combination she leaves me speechless more often then not.. today she has decided she wants her name to be changed to Rebecca James.  last week she told me she wants to be a “horse rider” when she grows up.  I asked her what made her choose that profession, she responded with “i just want to hold the brush to brush their mane” .. fair enough

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Closure.

I have this box sitting in front of me. This box has been in my possession since October 30th, 1997. That is almost 9 years ago. This box is going to be the death of me. I am not going to let that happen. Tonight is the night that I am walking away from it. I am letting it go. I will not let these memories, this box, rule me any longer. I pray for his safety. He has that. I pray for his happiness. He has that. He has found what he needs and wants out of life. I am happy for him. I have to remember that I am wanting what I had. What we had. We have both completely changed and what we have to offer is not what either of us are looking for. All of this should have come about some time ago, but for some reason it has not. Everything in life happens for a reason. With our reunion coming up in a few short months, I feel there is no better time than now to start working on moving on. This is what this is all about.

I am consumed with memories. I miss the way I felt protected. You were my backbone. The way you made me laugh. The way you knew my family inside and out. You knew the relationship I had/have with my mother. The way I wasn’t a huge fan of Chris at first and now the sun rises and sets in his eyes to me. I miss your family. I miss our closeness. We didn’t work out because of some of my actions. I take full responsibility for that, that is something I have to come to know and understand, and I think I’m almost there.

I one day will find someone. Someone that will protect me, love me, and stand behind me with everything. I believe that. I hope you treat your wife with the same love and compassion, if not more. If so, she could possibly be the luckiest woman alive.

I also have to remember the reasons why we are not together, besides the obvious. When we reconnected in 2003, we both had become different people. I had two small children and was just coming out of a separation. You, were struggling with keeping a job, had financial issues and drugs were an almost everyday occurrence in your life. I looked beyond that. I blocked that out. Knowing that we were meant to be and our souls were intertwined and destined to be together, I refused to acknowledge the negative. After being together and sometimes not knowing where you were at night, having to track you down, knock on your door at 2,3 in the morning. Worrying about what you were doing, if you were okay. That clearly is not something I liked doing. But at that point in your life, I believe you were beyond helping. Or maybe you just didn’t want help. Or even, maybe you didn’t want help from me. Regardless. I gave up. I walked away. Without a fight. But I do remember the late night phone calls, crying, upset, you not knowing what to do. Above all, I am your friend. We started out in 1991 as friends. We will end as friends. If there is anyone out there that knows you, its me. I may not know you now, but I know you, I know your soul, I know your heart. Most things change about a person in life. Those two don’t. A persons heart and soul may be the only thing that stays true throughout life.

If and when we see each other again I hope that you remember what we had and are able to smile about that. I know I will. I know that all my great memories will always keep the good in you, in my eyes. Our paths have taken us in different directions and that is okay. I am where I am today for good reason. Without the mistakes I made, without the choices I made, I would never have my two beautiful daughters. Without the mistakes you made, without the choices you made, you wouldn’t have your beautiful son.

Opening the box for the final time

Well that was depressing. But all in all, it showed me a lot. It showed me that all along we have been friends. Two people that can confide in each other no matter what. We’ve have many ups and downs. But despite those ups and downs, we come full circle. Friends. At this point in our lives I don’t think that’s possible but that’s okay. That’s what life has given us. Maybe one day. Maybe one day we were meant to be with each other. If and when that day comes I’ll be ready, but for now, I can honestly say I am wholeheartedly trying to put “us” in my past and leave it there. I love you, I’ve loved you, I will always love you. I’ll say it again, I hope, no, I KNOW, one day I will find someone that will do half as good of a job loving me as you did. And I pray that you love your wife double as much as you did me, she is a lucky woman. This is it. I am through. I can’t continue to live this way as I have for the past 9 years. You are a great person. A wonderful man. I am proud and honored to have been apart of your life and one day if our paths cross again I’ll give you a huge smile and a great big hug.